I lack words when I introduce myself. “No distinct purpose”, you may opine. However, even though I agree with you, it is quite different the way I see it. I mean, I wear the shoes and I know how well it fits. I exude different shades of me every now and then and so do you —believe it or not. Afterall, they say — “Variety is the Spice of Life.” This is not to justify inconsistencies or weird variance. It is the “simplest to understand” aspect of reality. Only that you may not have realised that fact yet or your personality is too linear to experience the spice.
Most times, for me, the difference is completely distinct ; Today I feel like I need a career change, tomorrow I’m so content and positive with all that I’m doing and still hope to do within the career I’m currently advancing. Sometimes I’m so happy being a creative. Other times, I question my niche of creativity not minding the uniqueness which even, many have attested to. It feels so good to be me some days, other times I want to dive into a “more fulfilling” venture like exploring a more supernatural me and practicing some alchemy in the deepest way(s) that can hardly be imagined. My God-given positive sensitivity, has earned me a space in the field of empathy but some days, I want to throw that away and unleash some paranoia on people.
It gets really absurd most times when all I have left at a particularly sober time within my thoughts are just reflections of what could have been or how better it would have been if it had been. And, basking in those thoughts could really be overwhelming as I find myself questioning my true purpose. These thoughts which spring up from the fountain of insecurities are wickedly creepy, capable of ruining my sanity. Of course, as human, it is certain to experience a moment or two of self doubt and vulnerability; of uncertainty and ambiguity, of hesitance and diverse interpretations of the reason for the confidence lacking, at that time. It makes it easy to say that in those times, when the feelings creep in, I am most likely not able to control it, definitely going to suck it all in, wallow in regrets while professing wishes of a possible difference.
I know it is deeper than I feel, it is a natural instinct to feel dissatisfied, absolutely okay to embrace variety as long as there is purpose and uniqueness in it, bearing in mind that what works for one may not work for another. Generally, We have the sole ability to set the foundation we desire for our thoughts to thrive. The will we have in making a choice about certain decisions that help us stay appreciative of life and its prospects are still mysteriously personal and therefore lie in our hands. Oh, So precious, a knowing!
However, number one on my universal quests is CLARITY. Clarity, I’m sure, comes with an immesurably lucid conviction of one’s abilities. Clarity is strength in sticking by a great choice, knowing that it is definitely going to get better as the days roll by. It is transparency of existence. But, I still find it difficult to assimilate this truth because of the human instincts which frequently play games in my subconscious. Despite all the learning I have undergone, and all the seats of wisdom I have sat on, there are still particles of uncertainties hovering, trying so hard to occupy a lasting position in my head. But you know, I don’t want any of that so I am on a daily fight against such confusion. I don’t want to relate with the sarcastic saying, “Jack of all trade, master of none” I want to be free. I don’t know how but I know a step, void of restrictions in the path of freedom — SCRIPTING MY THOUGHTS.